I know for sure that even if I die, loosing you will be the greatest wreck of my life

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't missing you. I think about you when I have nothing else to think of.

I think about you when I want to loose control and feel numb all of a sudden.

I missed you the second I left the airport and set my foot in the plane.

I was thinking about you when the plane took off and when it landed.

You would rather call me selfish because you think there are other more significant people to think about. Like I said, my mind has no control when it comes to you.

I desperately wanted a window seat and luckily, I got one. I can't count the minutes or the hours that I just spend looking out the window. I just kept looking out and beyond the horizons. The sky was blue and covered with some many clouds. I just kept looking and I thought only one thing. What happens if I don't make it through? What happens if something happens to me or the plane crashes? Just like in the movie and the whole scene kept going on and on like a replay button was pressed in my mind.

In all those moments I only thought of you. About us. The moments we shared. The journey we had.

What happens if you loose me? Would there be a greater damage or will it wreck your life?

I don't know about you but I know about me. I know that for sure that even If I die, loosing you will be the greatest wreck of my life. Even in after life it would be the biggest loss for me. More than you loosing me. More than anything.

I am so selfish I can't tell you. I didn't think once about my family or my friends. Just you on my mind.

I wish I could say all of this out loud but due to my lack of confidence in myself and lack of trust and relying on some one, I just can't.

I can't say it. It hurts more than anything else. More than I've every imagined.

Its funny how one person can have such a great impact in your life in just a short span of time.

I know this is going to hurt but I don't want to think about you. I don't want to want to think about you. Thats the naked truth and it needs to be spoken because all my life I've tried my best to be honest.

You make me weak and make me lose control. I just can't be myself when I am with you. I am an entire different person. I don't want to be that person because I think if once, I become that for real it would cause a permanent damage. Mostly emotionally. I'd lose control that I've kept practicing since many years. I'd lose my dignity because all I want is just to get lost in you and with you and not just when we are together but also in my dreams. Forever and for eternity.

I want get lost in you so bad, it hurts.

Its disaster but its beautiful. I want to name it my "beautiful disaster".

I want to make you stop it. At least help me stop it or at least pretend to because never in my life I've felt so weak and I can never stop this. So I need you to do this for me. Please.

Can you? Can you make it stop for once and for all? Because I am done trying and I swear it hurts. It hurts more than a thousand knifes being stabbed at me.

I wish you could read this and think about me for the very last time.

It ends with us. This beautiful disaster ends with us.