Yet There it is

My best friend and I had a conversation recently that got me thinking and gave me a restless night with tosses and turns because what she said echoes with you more than you can think.

She said, “I want to be someone I’d like to meet”. I was stunned because it got me questioning what I was becoming, because I certainly am not the best version of who I can be. I want to and if I’m completely honest with myself I know why.

I can’t get myself to believe. Every morning I wake up and I believe a little less and a little less and a little less. It’s that feeling of hopelessness that tears you up and makes you wonder what the point of anything is really. Every day I believe a little less in possibilities, dreams, love, fantasies and people because everything feels so temporary and when you take enough hits, there’s only so much energy to believe as much as yesterday. I’ve spent a lifetime being a magnet to a pile of crap – and as harsh as this may sound, if I’m ever going to be believe again, I need to spend some time to take out everything and everyone that has put me down. I want to leave behind every time I felt lost, every time I was screwed over for something I deserved, every time I failed to speak up, every time I let someone undermine my authority, every time I let someone else manipulate me into being in a place I despised, every “yes” that was a no instead, and every time I felt time I felt like I didn’t belong.
When you’re born an old soul, you see beauty in the small things like a cup of coffee and an evening having waffles with your favourite person. You don’t love places, but the memories you have with people in those places. And in a world as cruel as we live in, it feels like an everlasting winter till someone promises you spring. And when it is your time, it’ll scare the living hell out of you because you count the seconds on your watch to see just how long it’ll last. And that is who I’ve become, a writer who sometimes can’t believe in words when I need them the most, unfeeling and cold.

When I knew I’d had enough, I wanted someone to remind me of all the good I was. I wanted someone to say, “You’re everything I know you are, tonight you’ll let go of every inhibition and walk out that door and change the world. You’ll break all the walls you’ve built and leave the door open so someone can see you”. I’m worried someone won’t like what they’ll see, because that’s a girl broken one too many times and hiding in corners that no one frequents as much.
But what she said made me realize, I didn’t deserve to hide, not with everything I had to offer the world.

I was enough, in every way. I was strong and I kept going even when then the road got too dark. I moved forward and I wouldn’t complain as much (still working on this though). I built people up because I knew how much you need that when no one else cares to light up your world. I’m a great friend and I make for amazing conversations amidst those disheartened by small talk. I love people who understand my taste in music. I love more than you think but I suck at showing it and it’s constantly on my mind find its way out. I love bookstores and having someone sit with me on the floor read out passages while people would stare and wonder what lunatics we could be. I like telling people they look good to their face instead of texts and social media because emojis can’t cover the blush on someone’s face when they realize someone noticed them just for a while.

I find it hard to apologize sometimes but I’m getting better at it. I don’t smile a lot but when I do I light up an entire room like a sun on the ground. I make great tea and it’s the only think I’ve ever made in a kitchen. I’m extremely funny if you can understand my sense of humour. I like being upfront because Adulting needs to be done without dropping hints every morning. I’m kind to strangers and but at the same time I’m savage because that’s how I break barriers. And while to a huge lot, these may seem like the small stuff, they aren’t as simple. It takes a lot to embrace who you are so completely that you’ll never let anyone else tell you that you weren’t good enough or make you feel like a mistake defined you. Every bone in your body will fight, and somewhere you are becoming the person you were raised to be.

Far from what I once was but not yet what I'm going to be, the person you’re supposed to meet. She’s getting there, I promise, as fast she can.

Her

So have you ever fallen in love?" she asked him.

His mind traveled back to the time when he went to school just to have a glimpse of her. When we waited hours alone in a line for tickets to a show that he hated but she loved. When he gulped down that spicy dish she'd made as her first attempt even though everyone else had left it. To everything he had wanted to do but couldn't. To every shattered dream, every broken hope.

"Love? Nah, it just isn't something for me, I think", he replied

You are the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me

She lay there, just looking exquisite. And I stood a few steps away wondering what good in the world I had done, of which I had no clue to deserve her. No. I did not deserve her. I knew that. She could have had someone who was better than me in everything. Someone more intelligent, more handsome and in every way better than me, of that I am not just sure but positive.

But the one thing, the one thing which I think tipped the scales in my favour was that I am sure no one could have loved her the way I loved her. And no I do not exaggerate here though people believe I do. I loved her just the way she was- free as the wind. She wasn’t in any chains of the world and yet she was more a part of it than any other being I have ever seen.

And love her I did. And do. And always will. Because ask me what colour I love the most and I would tell you that it is the colour of her eyes when she first looked at me and I realised that she loved me too. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t need to. But that was the time when I felt that I would be overwhelmed by this feeling in my heart. The time when I felt that maybe I had a second chance at love. When I realised that heartbreak does not need to last forever.

Ask me what my favourite song is and I would tell you that it was that one song without any music in the background which she had sung herself. The one when I was down in the mud and she sent to me just to lift me up. We were hundreds of miles apart and yet in that moment it felt that she was right beside me whispering that everything is going to be all right. And sometimes that is all someone needs.

Ask me what is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and I would tell you that it was when she was so sleepy that she fell asleep while talking to me on a video call. And just lay there like the most beautiful creature in the world and all I could do was look and not touch because fairies are not meant to be touched.

Ask me what my greatest fear is and I would tell you it is the fear of losing her. To think that one day we might never be together again, that she might leave me or we might get lost in this world with things which would be beyond the illusions of control that we mere mortals have established for ourselves. The things that we believe we can control when we cannot even tell what is going to happen in the next moment let alone years into the future.

She’s like one of those ideal things they talk about in epics. The ones which you think are not possible but you admire because they set a bar for you to achieve because they are the ideals you admire. One you think that you’ll never be able to achieve but you want to try all the same. Except that she was real and she was sleeping right in front of me.

I climbed in right next to her and took in her sight. Sleeping just like she had been all those years before. Everything had changed in the world but it seemed she was the only one unaffected by the cruel wounds time inflicts on us. The only divine being in this world of men and women.

I looked at her once more, slowly kissed her cheek and then lay down to sleep. Who cares where the future will take us. All that matters is that for now, at least, she is with me, I am with her.

The fact that we are together. That is all that matters.

Conflict from herself.

The night was just as cold as the people around her made her feel. She sat by the window with a cup of coffee which only retained it's warmth because of her palms wrapped around the mug, trying to contemplate what she had done to face such exasperation.

Nobody could ever read her mind, she was a master at putting up a good laugh just to avoid the one question she dreaded all her life.

"Are you okay?" , she was once asked-not by an outsider, but by her own heart.

Her afflicted mind could do nothing but scream within,
begging to be heard, begging to mellow down. Frustrated, she penned down her thoughts, penned them down just to tear them apart, so that nobody knew her fears, or sensed the alarm.

Even the dear couldn't see her distress, for them she was her own mistress.
Her conflicted mind did not let her sleep, she was torn apart between the angel and the devil in the deep.

She had to make a choice, a decision she always knew she had to take. The obvious good, the very avoidable bad, the choice seemed effortless. But the "WHAT IFs" tormented her reasoning. What if the very unmistakeable right is nothing but a very deceitfully alluring wrong? What if the fallacious wrong opens doors to a bright, promising future?

She had to make a choice, for her agony had now created a mess. She anticipated the choice, but couldn't foresee the turmoil it would bring with it.

Her conflicted mind did not let her sleep, she was torn apart between the angel and the devil in the deep. Minutes, hours, days, weeks- time seemed to fly, but she remained motionless- inert and lifeless, until one day, when an intimate occurrence enlightened her with an option she could never see. It was then that she realised that all her heartache was also a choice, a choice she unconsciously made. It was then that she realised that the choice is not always between the good and the bad, the right and the wrong, or the angel and the devil.
She chose to let herself fly, to dream, to imagine. She chose to see herself where she always wanted to be, leaving all the distress behind.

It was then that she realised that the conflict was just between imprisonment and freedom, not from the world,
but from herself.

Live the Life

This earth just not rotates, it beats somewhere to the tunes and rhythm of our heartbeats.”

But then, “Does it feels a little low when we do, can the earth feel the sorrow that we have deep inside us somewhere and unable to just ignore the fact that the reason of that sorrow would somewhere be happy with someone else?”

“Everything around us is just related to each other. Why do you feel happy to see rainbow and annoyed while under the sun? Why do you then sometimes, miss the warmth of the sun, you once had given a black look to, while the winter is so chilly cold? The waves of the sea, the raining clouds, the beatific smile each time you have on your face whenever there is a tiny little drop of water on your cheeks and you expect it to be the first drop of the first rain of the season and then that doleful look when the rains actually don’t pour down, everything, my darling, everything is just so related to each other.”

“So, is it like, when we are happy we feel rains in the hot and rainbows in dark and the warm in the crisp winters and cosy in the hot sun? Is it like life is meant to be living as an oxymoron to what we actually feel?”

“No! Life was never meant to be like this, NEVER! Life is something to be lived as it is. Look, it’s a cliché, the happy humans use to describe that life becomes beautiful when you are happy, when you are in love, when everyone around you is happy with you, when you feel the most satisfied or when the life is exactly the way you want it to be. These are just the embellishments to add to their happiness. But Love, Life was never meant to be belied, never meant to be lived in a contradiction of what it is, it was never meant to be always expecting of what it is not, to rejoice it”

“Life is enjoying the sunshine, while under the sun and not feeling annoyed by the heat, jubilating the downpours of rains even without an umbrella or a cup of hot chocolate, being elated by the view of the rainbows even without capturing and posting it everywhere, playing in the puddles even without a paper boat, rejoicing the sounds of the waves from the seashore itself, letting the waves come and touch your feet as if they are enjoying the run and chase games, feeling gleeful every time you witness a full moon, knowing the fact that it will be a crescent soon and still would be alluring, to spread our arms wide each time we experience a snowfall, to look at the sky and smile at it, for it is the reason we can feel these things.”

“But is it not difficult?”

“Life is just to be in the moment, you don’t need to be anything more than that. It is just being a part of where we are and not pondering about where we could be or where we should be. Life is just as simple as that. We need to tune the rhythm of our heart with that of the earth!”

Don’t live in the oxymoron, live the life as it is!

why i fell in love with you ?

I remember you asked me once, "When did you fall in love with me?" You were probably expecting some romantic answer but I told you the truth like I always do- I don't know. And that holds true till this day.

I didn't "fall" in love with you. I grew into love with you. Over time, over messages, over laughs uttered, over the tears shed, over the long night chats, over the seeds of the future dreams sown, each and every one of those moments taught me how to love you. And every time I feel I couldn't love you more, another funny looking selfie of yours kicks it up a notch. I could see a girl damaged by everything and yet holding her head high, trying to ride out the storm in her heart. A hundred princesses couldn't be as beautiful as you at that point.

I know I am not easy to love. I am obnoxious, stubborn, short tempered and what not. But trust me, when I imagine you at my side, I want to be a better man. A good man. My Mom always told me it's more important to be a good man than to be a successful one. I guess she was always right. You make me want to be that man.

I have always been a dreamer. So much so that people around me told me it was all unrealistic. It isn't. It never was. And today I want to live all of those dreams but with you. I want to travel the world but with your hand linked in mine. I want to have a family but only with you. I want little versions of you and me running around the house. Earlier I knew I wanted all of this with "someone". Today I know and I want that someone to only be you.

Someone once told me that, "Love is nothing but choosing the same person over and over again everyday". So today, I want to tell you this.

You are the choice I make everyday when I go to sleep. You are the choice I make everyday when I wake up. Everything I do, I do it to come closer to you. You are the only wish I make upon a shooting star. You are the only one I will ever write for. You are everything I asked for and more. And I promise I will never, ever let you go. And if life threatens to tear us apart, I swear I will punch life in the face and come running back to you.

But most importantly, today I choose to love you as I will for the rest of my days. Do you choose the same?

An imagined dream

She entered a room and closed it tight,
Her eyes widened as she saw the world so bright.

She said she liked blue hair. Her mind replied that's completely fair.
You want to travel and see?
They will help you do it for free.
With Murakami's love and Archer's thrill,
Lonely planet took her around.
Hosseini took her to a place where people cried,
She wondered if life is just fried.
Murthy gave her hope and strength to move on,
Superman proved that winner could be no Don.
Another person's mind, a different kind.
Rowling's magic and Martin's tragic.
She saw it all, with lots of flaws.
Flaws she could erase, life she embraced.
She stopped believing in imperfection, Because Ayn Rand was perfection.
Mysteries of tintin, Adventures of batman,
Aladdin's genie and flying mat.
She flew with them all.
"WELCOME", she said with her arms wide open.
"I can fit you all, if you let me belong"
"YES", echoed the books.
"Put us all in your head and we'll live a happy tread"

IMPERFECT SUNDAY

IMPERFECT SUNDAY

Usually, on a Sunday I am tucked beneath pillows and blankets, but the beautiful earthy smell pulled me out of my bed to behold the picturesque weather painted on the sky with birds singing merrily.

The earth has soaked the sobs of the midnight rain and the sun is bellowing with beams out and loud.
I couldn't resist myself from getting coffee and my favourite song.
It is Perfect!
The Weather and my Mood.
My day has started early and I have time to do all the impending work.
I can sense a perfect Sunday today.
I can attend to all the Incomplete
Sleep
Music
Movies
Chores
And
Thoughts.
Sipping my cappuccino I mentally make a plan, half swearing myself to complete it by today.

As the last song on the list completed its loop I realized the day has also completed half its loop.
Where did the last 3 hours go?
I am already hours behind my plan.
I hate when my plans don't work.
Tired and a little sad, I think I should take a small power nap before I start some work.
I fixed my alarm to ring after half an hour.

Tring ! Tring!
"Hello?"
"Good afternoon mam.We are calling from the PizzaCorner
Wishing you a very happy and lucky Sunday.You are amongst the very few people today, to have won the free unlimited pizza coupon.But you have today to collect it.The offer expires today after 6 pm.We hope to see you very soon.Thank you"
"Wait!!Are you serious or is this a joke ?"

I want you

I just want a girl who would be okay with me staring at her for hours and hours on end. Who wouldn't mind me stealing a few kisses while she slept.

I just want a girl who would love to binge eat ice cream with me. Especially chocolate. Because that's her favourite and mine too. Who would cuddle up next to me while we fight for that last spoonful of half melted chocolate chips.

I just want a girl who would let me hold her hand while we went on long walks. Who wouldn't mind just walking away into the sunset with me while I told her about how much she meant to me.

I just want a girl who would sit beside me when we went on drives and stayed out all night. Who wouldn't care about what song we have on as long as it is Ed Sheeran, Rascal Flatts or Brad Paisley. Who would not just expect me to drive around but take the wheel after some time and take me where her heart desired.

I just want a girl who wouldn't mind finding notes from me in her purse. Who would love to see flowers at her workplace randomly. Who would open up a bottle of wine and finish it in one go with me.

I just want a girl who would run away with me to Paris on a whim and kiss me under the Eiffel tower as if we had just met. Who would then let me read my favourite John Green quotes to her all night.

I think what I mean to say is that I want you and only you. Because honey, any other girl, she's just not going to cut it. And it's not because she won't be able to do these things.

It's just that without you these things wouldn't be same.

I know for sure that even if I die, loosing you will be the greatest wreck of my life

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't missing you. I think about you when I have nothing else to think of.

I think about you when I want to loose control and feel numb all of a sudden.

I missed you the second I left the airport and set my foot in the plane.

I was thinking about you when the plane took off and when it landed.

You would rather call me selfish because you think there are other more significant people to think about. Like I said, my mind has no control when it comes to you.

I desperately wanted a window seat and luckily, I got one. I can't count the minutes or the hours that I just spend looking out the window. I just kept looking out and beyond the horizons. The sky was blue and covered with some many clouds. I just kept looking and I thought only one thing. What happens if I don't make it through? What happens if something happens to me or the plane crashes? Just like in the movie and the whole scene kept going on and on like a replay button was pressed in my mind.

In all those moments I only thought of you. About us. The moments we shared. The journey we had.

What happens if you loose me? Would there be a greater damage or will it wreck your life?

I don't know about you but I know about me. I know that for sure that even If I die, loosing you will be the greatest wreck of my life. Even in after life it would be the biggest loss for me. More than you loosing me. More than anything.

I am so selfish I can't tell you. I didn't think once about my family or my friends. Just you on my mind.

I wish I could say all of this out loud but due to my lack of confidence in myself and lack of trust and relying on some one, I just can't.

Broken Souls

It was only when I met you

I learned of the

Beauty that encompassed

The broken soul too

Because you saw my wounds

You kissed them, licked them

Like you knew of no bounds

I said I'm unlovable

Signs of 'loser' and 'danger'

Marked my aura

You smiled into my eyes

Said "you're a giver,

"you're something else"

Gave away love that lay in

Abundance in your heart's reserve

When it was the last bit left

You knew, to redeem yourself

I looked into your fiery eyes

That night

I held your hand, mourned with you

Tried to reach your insides

I inched closer to your heart

With every palpitation in it that I felt

I come with a lot of baggage of emotion

I'd warned

"Let me be your chance at salvation"

You yearned

And for the first time

I learned

I could be desired for a

Sublime soul like mine,

Yet worn out and withered

For when two broken souls meet

There is rhythm in their tryst

In every congruent beat

But when the time came

You left, I felt 'mocked at',

Like I was a social media 'meme'

Darling, tell me it wasn't my fault

Wake me up from this dream

For it was only now I realised

I was so close

To having my stars aligned

Listen to my plea

Tell me it wasn't all a lie

For if broken souls like you

Refused to reach the depths

Of the minds of our kind,

How will I break the walls

Built by my own confines

In brokenness I saw light,

Hope, and my new found abode

In it I found answers

To all of my prayers

I do not want your love or care

All I want back, is my faith

In someone's soul, naked and bare

Yours truly

Dear love,

Do you know which promise I wake up to after a dreamless sleep? The promise to forget you.

The rain does the most unholy things to me. It makes me remember. I refuse to believe that there isn’t someone who knows which strings to pull, which demons to summon. I stand here with water hitting me, yelling at me to not forget, to never forget how it feels to have your heart yanked apart ruthlessly, and yet I stand because I never truly knew, even after all this time, never truly learned when to fall apart. I kept myself whole, I glued my heart together as I swung in one place waiting for you to come back and take me.

It hurts me. Even kills me just a little to have to accept it that every beautiful thing which we could have been will never come alive. Somewhere, in some place in time, I’ll find warmth from someone else. And I can sell a part of my existence to not wish it was from you.

Dearest love, it still surprises me to think that we even met in the first place. Out of all the places you could have gone to and out of all the whims which could have controlled me, we stumbled upon each other. I have hoped, at least a thousand times, that day had never happened, that I should have just stayed in my bed that evening, but here’s the truth- you were magnificent. I’ll admit, some fault was mine, I loved you a little more than I should have. Pardon me for that.

I owe you some gratitude. If it weren’t for you, I would have never known that humans do not need anything wholesome to fall in love with; that I was capable of holding broken parts of a person and see my future in them. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have known what falling in love, truly falling in love feels like. Now I know, it is actually quite simple. The part after that might be a little difficult, the time after wards may turn a little hurtful but that moment, that one single moment, when a person simply looks at the other person’s laugh and just knows that they are falling in love, that is quite effortless.

I was someone to cringe at love stories, at those cheesy ballads and here I am writing something similar. This one will be my last for you.I can see the infinities you and I could turn into. I can see the fire we create. I remember it every night. But I know that it is now just a memory waiting to get lost into time. So, hereby, I promise yet again, to let you go. You are terrifyingly complete, perhaps just not for me to touch. For I know that wherever you go, you’ll leave inexplicable marks. I have always known that. However, now I am starting to believe that so shall I. And, for that I must do what I ought to do. I must stop reaching out.

Have a great life ahead.

Yours truly,

The one who held on.

Almost !

I looked at her as she stood down the aisle. Her eyes suddenly met mine and in that moment, I was in love with her.

"What's your favorite word, Mr. Writer?", she asked one night, caressing my hair.

"Comet. Yours?"

She thought for a moment and realized she didn't have a favorite word. I stole glances of her while she was busy doing one thing or another and I wondered if comet was my favorite word or her name.

When she left me, I was shattered for a while. Coffee tasted bitter, my body would start shivering thinking of her, my nights were empty and insomniac out of pain. She was like a fever that I knew I wouldn't be able to survive.

"I almost loved you.", she said one fine day.
I met her after 8 months. She was with a new guy. He was everything I can never be. Sometimes I wonder if people want to end up with someone different, why do they choose us in the first place? Maybe we didn't work out. But if we didn't, why am I still in love with her? Someone told me there's so much more and that love is never enough. But anyway, my love was never enough for her and her lies were still everything to me.

She should have entered my life like a good one night stand and take her clothes and leave me alone the next morning. But she stayed and said things she shouldn't have. And that has made all the difference.

Her life was so full of almosts.

"I am sorry. I almost remembered your birthday but then... "
"I almost called you."
"I almost missed you that night."
"We were almost together."
"I almost loved you."

She was never sure of anything. I was her almost. I fought hard for months in order to become her perfect. But I was still an uncertainty in her life. That was all that I could ever be.

"I have found your favorite word.", I said.
"Yeah? What is it? ", she asked.
"Almost."
"Oh! Yeah. Maybe it is.", she said with a frown.

I looked at her and felt a little feverish again. How am I still so deeply into her and she isn't? Not even a bit?

"You are something important", she added.

"Almost– I am a word to you I wish you never said."

Just Say you won't let go !!

We've come so far,
I have to let you know.
It wasn't you, love.
You weren't the reason this took so long,
The reason we took so long.
This one's on me.
You must know
Why I don't speak much of my past.
I've been crushed,
Left to rot on my own
I've gone from feeling loved
To being trashed like use and throw
In the span of a day.
You must know, dear,
This hasn't happened just the one time.
It wasn't that easy to break me,
It never will be,
Not ever again.
It took time with you
Simply because I wanted to make sure this time.
Not because I was scared you would be like the rest of them.
No, it's because I needed to become worthy of you,
Of everything you are.
You're the light in my dark,
You've danced with my troubles and laughed through them,
You made me want to fight hard enough to become the person I once was.
I believe in myself so much more, I believe in us.
And this is why, darling, you must know.
'So I wrote this for you, now everybody knows
'Cause now it's just you and me till we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go'.

You look Beautiful

She was fat. No that isn't usually how someone starts describing someone. But she was already so used to it now.
Tonight it was her 18th birthday. She was so happy about it. I was sitting on the sofa waiting for her to come down. I knew how excited she already was since morning.
She was dressed up now. With all the eyes glaring at her, her smile was fading more and more with each step she took down the staircase. I took her to a side wished her "Happy Birthday ". She smiled.
"You look beautiful " I told her.
She smiled so much brighter now. The smile which was worth a wait to watch. Her eyes glistened as if she just heard that she won 10 million dollars or something.
"Thank you Aditi. Thank you so much" she replied.
There was silence for a moment.
"When my mom told me it's my 18th birthday I can order any dress I want, I was so happy" she started.
"I kept scrolling until my eyes got stuck to the long laced ball gown blue in colour. It had stones and mirror gems on it. It was beautiful. I knew I couldn't afford that. Next my eyes were on the black knee length short dress. It was nothing great but quite sober. I ordered it. The dress looked to pretty on the girl who was wearing it in the picture. Here is the dress. I am wearing it. With every step I was coming down, my dreams were shattering. Nobody would expect to hear a "The dress is so beautiful, but you don't look good in it". I saw the glares that were thrown.
I heard people whispering "She is too fat to wear short dresses. Her belly is bulging out, must be uncomfortable".
Yes Aditi trust me it is uncomfortable. It really is. It is difficult and so hard to cover the belly fat. To find dresses for me. When everyone is going out in shorts and tank tops, I have to make sure I wear a long dress because according to them I look good in long dresses or jeans and top.
I do not fish for compliments but after being so hard on myself when I get a compliment it makes me so happy.
I know it looks odd on me. I am fat. But that is how I was born. Even I don't like moving around with those thighs. It's not like I am trying to lose weight. I mean I do. But then I get tired of not being myself and being hard on myself to get me into shape.
The emotional abuse never faltered me, you always were creative with new names for me, new ways to pick on me, new ways to get my friends to alienate me. And as the years came and went, the pounds came and stayed.
It's not really easy for me to wake up everyday and fit into clothes somehow. Every moment I wish to just cut off some pounds.
Aditi I want to wear dresses like these too. I want to eat as much as I want without hearing "Stop now. How much appetite do you have" followed by laughter.
It wasn't my fault was it? To be like this?" She stopped and took a long pause.
"Come fatty, cut the cake. It's chocolate cake. Don't have the whole thing yourself" her friend came and called her.
"There we go again" she looked at me and smiled and left tucking in her belly to the most, pulling the dress down to cover her.
I almost had tears in my eyes. I remember when we were small we used to go to the same tuition in the morning. I had once asked my mom.
"Mumma why does she wear tight clothes? Should I tell her about it?
My mom replied me saying,
"When your friend is struggling to fit into her clothes every morning, she knows her clothes don’t fit. She doesn’t need to be reminded about that first thing in the morning."

SoulMate

A soulmate is someone you carry with you forever.
It's the one person who knew you
And accepted you
And believed in you
Before anyone else did
Or when no one else could.
And no matter what happens, you'll always love them.

Be a good feeder of soul.

Spirit work is always connected to mind and heart with respect to how our thoughts reflect to be in the form of..
A positive way or a negative way..
You always have to concentrate that soul needs the feed . The feed will decide that how your soul is going to be.. you have to feed the positives so it'll become always the productive, it'll become the alarm of your success, the wake up call of your dreams.. you'll do things really great.. but,
If you feed soul with negative things like hate, revenge, anger towards people.. so soul will work thats true but in a negative way.. it'll just destroy you in a way that your fantasies, feelings, emotions, happiness just thrash away and you become a devil..
Be a good feeder of soul.

Friendship!

The breeze ruffled her hair gently as she sat with her favorite cup of coffee admiring the rain through the window pane. The smell of soil, the new fresh greenery in the atmosphere, the light rain drops lovingly kissing the rose petals in the balcony and the wind which messed up her hair in the most attractive fashion, all had once again opened a gate in her heart which she had been trying to lock since the last two years.
A tear drop rolled down her left cheek unconsciously as she was smiling inhaling the freshness. She was once again going down the memory lane, to those days when she had once fallen in love.

Getting to a medical college after a year of dedicated hard work and contemplation in Kota was big for her. She now wanted to live her college life to the fullest. That's when she met him.. her batchmate and her first friend in college. He made all her little dreams come true. They had bunked countless classes, gone for long walks with unknown destinations, seen sunsets together with fingers entwined.. Walking down the road from friendship to love did not take long. It was her perfect love story. She was living a fairy tale.
The smile on her face faded away as she thought of what had followed.
Those fights, those misunderstandings and the distance that had cropped up between them was not less than a nightmare. Regular meetings turned into rare eye contacts. There were people who didn't want them together and had planned all this, most of which she could never understand. He chose to believe them and distrust her. Her innocent heart broke into pieces when all her efforts of figuring out what happened and attempts to mend it went in vain. She had spent sleepless nights and restless days trying to convince him to share what was going on, to confide in her and take her back.
Her silent tears had now turned into soft sobs as she realized she was still in the same place two years later while he had moved on with the same person who had caused these to happen.
Just then she felt warm comforting hands on her shoulder. "You look cute with pink nose and ears", said her best friend. She could not help but smile when she saw her favorite chocolate! Her anxiety reduced when he hugged her and said, "Your tears are precious".
You don't always need love in life. Sometimes friendship does the needful.

Other side of the picture

June 17th, 2016:
"...and the way she giggles every time she hears something funny. You know, she has a habit of tucking strands of hair behind her ears when she's nervous. She's so beautiful. And her smile is..." I sat with my arm across his shoulder, looking at his animated expression when he spoke about her. Ah, kids these days. How come the 21 year old me hasn't found the need to love any guy (yet) but my 16 year old friend, slash little brother, has managed to be in love with the same girl for three years? I've been listening to pretty much the same thing from him everyday since he first saw her. If we didn't meet, he'd text me, only to talk about her. He hasn't gathered the courage to ask her out. For all he knows, she could have a boyfriend. The thought hadn't occurred to him.
"Sam. SAM. Why aren't you saying anything?" he frowned up at me. "Maybe because I've heard the same thing a zillion times before, and it's better to listen to you than interrupt," I smile back. "I'm going to do it," he says, sitting up straight. "I'm gonna ask her out." Wait, what? "Carl, no. You know she doesn't look at you the same way. It's okay to love her, but if you come on too strongly, you'll end up ruining it." "But I need to know, Sam. I need to know if she'll ever be mine." I look into his playful eyes. I shouldn't have let it go. I should've stopped him. But the look on his face made me stay quiet.
June 25th, 2016
"Here's your Nutella shake. Isn't it your favourite?", I plop down on the bench beside Carl. He has a big smile plastered to his face as he grabs the shake from my hand. Apparently, he was going to meet her today and, well, confess his love, if that's how I can phrase it. "Boy you're excited about this, aren't you?" I ask. He says nothing and continues smiling. "When can we meet after today?" he asks me. "In a month probably. I have tons of project work to do," I sigh. "Oh, okay then I'll call you and tell you how today went," he brightens up again. "About that. I broke my phone. So just hold it all in till we meet again, okay? I've got to go now." I kiss his forehead and leave.
August 31st, 2016
Carl's late today. I don't have my phone so I wouldn't know if he's on his way. I decide to take a walk around the place and buy him his Nutella shake. About ten minutes later, drink in hand, I see him sitting on a bench, with his back facing me. His shoulders are hunched and he's shaking lightly. I walk up to him and hand him his drink. "Hey lil fella. What's up?" He doesn't answer. Neither does he accept the shake from my outstretched hand. I see that he's been crying. I sit beside him and hold him for a while. "Carl? What is it? Did something happen at college?" His head is still bowed and I cannot see his face. I force him to look at me, and gasp. He has deep red gashes across his cheeks and some on his neck. "What in the world happened to you?" I shriek. "She said no, Sam. She said she would never fall in love with someone who looks like I do. She said I don't match her standards. She wants me to never talk to her again. I just asked her out, but she said I don't deserve to fall for a girl like her. She said I'm not handsome enough and that I'd be a black mark on her reputation in college. She..." he broke off, sobbing into my arms. I hush him and console the boy. "This face is something she never wants to see again. So I ripped it." Listening to that, my heart shattered into a million shards.
Well, what's my point here? In this little incident I've narrated? Nobody had the right to break my brother's heart that way. Nobody has the right to do that to anyone. If you don't like a person the way they like you, there are polite ways to say it. You do not damage a person by putting them down in such a crude manner. Many of you might relate to this. Many of you might have done this. But do you see the other side of the picture? What you've done to that person? You've put him down in his own eyes, and in the worst way possible.
Carl was only 17. But he had had his heart broken by his first love. And I think that would stay with him for life, disturbing his days and haunting his nights.

"Where are you?"

I am crushed beneath the weight of remembrance, the echo of your words, which makes its way into my lungs, creeping up through my veins, nauseating my existence the way venom would.
I always romanticized the idea of darkness and death, the mystic features that come along with them and the possible feeling of numbness and release that might emancipate me.

I thought about dying under the screeching tires of a roaring vehicle, oh, the exhilaration it would give! Sometimes, just sometimes, I would look under the speeding tires, almost leaping before them, but why didn't I?
You. You gave me sanity. You gave me a reason to keep going even amid pulsations of worthlessness and hopelessness.
When did you go from caressing my cheeks to turning your back to my tears? Where did you take off to, making yourself the reason why I want to give up?
Tell me, what do I do when my reason to breathe has taken away all the oxygen around me?
There are days when I feel too much and then those, where I feel nothing.
Sometimes, my chest aches with this ripping kind of heaviness, but the tears don't make their way out. Sometimes, my insides seem numb, but the tears won't stop.
They tell me you're doing fine. How could you be? How could you breathe so gloriously while I struggle, suffocating from your withdrawal?
My heart was like one of those ancient old kingdoms, with my walls built high, but somehow, you waged war with my conscience, and conquered me.
Why did you abandon me? Were you greedy for more? Or was I just not enough to make you stay? You pulled away, tearing me apart, leaving me in ruins.
Why?
Why do we make homes out of human beings? Darling, I want you to know, I am not a nomad, moving around and not settling in a place called home. Your arms were my refuge, the only place I could run to.
Where do I go, now that I'm sitting in the middle of a street which seems just as lifeless as me?
I'm tired. I'm ready to pass out.
Cheers to the hundred letters I've written to you but ended up throwing them into trash.
This one is no different.
Wishing you well.
With love and insecurities,
The forgotten one
-- She crumples the paper with the little energy she has left in her, tossing it into the bin which receives another one of her tear stained piece of recklessness.
She stumbles, holding her bottle of whiskey as she quivers, unable to hold herself. She collapses onto the road, the roughness clashing with the soft skin of her knees.
She looks up at the sky, throwing her arms into the air, "Home, where are you?"